on being content

years ago, i made a conscious choice to question my beliefs at their core, and i found them wanting. what i was looking for - what i earnestly sought - was Truth, and after spending the first 23 years of my life looking for it in the same corner i finally realized it wasn't going to be there for me. the puzzling part about this was how many of the people i knew well, loved, and/or respected had discovered Truth in the very corner i found so empty. they weren't dumb (and still aren't), in fact their intellect often exceeded my own (and still does). they didn't appear to be settling for something they suspected as incomplete or false. but perhaps most striking to me, and in the end a key to recognizing the need for change in myself, was the ready confidence with which they discussed their reasons for their beliefs. i find this intoxicating, and deeply respect (envy is probably a better term) people of all beliefs, faiths, creeds, and what-have-yous, who have found their Truth.

the trouble with stripping away one's core belief structure is it can leave you spinning free into an abyss of endless possibility. no right or wrong, no up or down, and no real direction at all. you're faced with the realization that there may actually be no greater purpose to this life. on the other hand, this can also be a time of excitement, potential, and growth. for me especially, having grown up accustomed to the comfort of a ready-made sense of meaning (christianity), this new position of responsibility proved nearly overwhelming. slowly, and over the course of the next couple years, i arrived at two core concepts which thus far have held up. they are by no means conclusive, nor are they comprehensive; they have come hard-fought, and for me, have the ring of Truth to them. i'll take what i can get.

the first is choice. time and time again this principle has been brought home to me - that there is choice in all things. whether it is straightforward - i.e. "what am i going to eat for lunch?" or more internal - "how will i react to what this person has done beyond my control?" we are constantly presented with opportunities to make choices directly affecting our well-being. we have thoughts, we exist, we choose to be alive. being aware of these choices, and being proactive about making them, is empowering.

the second stems directly from the first. it's being content.
see, no one can be happy all the time. it's not possible. since happiness is an emotion, it is independent of direct choice, but what i can choose is contentment. i've been challenged on this, called out even. i've been told my actions don't bear out this philosophy since if i was truly content with everything, i wouldn't be seeking out activities and situations that bring me pleasure and yes, even happiness. but my point is this: i don't think it's wrong or a bad idea to be happy. who doesn't want to be happy? i simply think we should be aware that it's a fleeting experience, and it's within this awareness that contentment steps in.

we need to feel sadness, hurt, even suffering. it's part of the balance, the yin and yang. without one, its counterpoint becomes point-less. have you ever tried to bake something sweet without adding salt? it just turns out bland and unappetizing. but within the experience of sadness and/or loss, i can choose to be content. i can choose to recognize, accept, and even appreciate what this emotion has to offer and teach me, possibly whilst simultaneously looking forward to a time i will be happy again.

the reality is emotions are temporary; in and of themselves, they're unsubstantial. but working in concert, they help weave the fabric that makes up our very existence and they create meaning in our lives. even buddhist monks laugh. they feel happy. and judging by first-hand accounts i've read, they feel sadness and loss. i'm not an expert on the subject, but i suspect on some level they've merely recognized and embraced the impermanence of these conditions. an emotion isn't any more or less real than anything else. it simply is.

me too.