Grandma's House

a life lived.

not to live.  not living.  lived.

flirtations passed, lovers dead, hopes and dreams and plans achieved or let go.

the immediacy of passion and opinions tempered by time;  experience revealing an hour's inadequacy, a day's inconsequence, a week's insignificance.  seeing a lifetime of insignificances add up to a sum total of your worth.

memories fading, leaving holes without explanation.

but age has failed to  mature the beauty of a foggy morning from you.  scarlet-streaked sunsets must still stir the romantic in you.

to what end?

the end.

man vs. nature?

man is nature.

finally. this guy says it better than i've ever been able to. we are not separate from "nature." powerful stuff.

for years now, i've struggled to express this sentiment. it's the reason i hesitate to fully commit to "save the environment" movements. no offense - and i really mean that - but i largely view those efforts as attempts to hold on to the past. life is not static. preservation has value, but in the end it's impossible without adaptation. when i spend time outdoors, i see life teeming all around me, and it fills me with wonder and curiosity. there is much to learn. but the reality is, my time in those areas still lightly-touched by humankind is not very different from time spent in a museum. it's a glimpse into the way things have been for the millions of years before human dominance's inevitable intrusion. if it pleases you, you'd better get out there and enjoy it while it lasts.

do i think it's cruel to eat other living creatures? no. i'm largely vegetarian, but i love a juicy steak as much as the next carnivore. i believe that eating a carrot is different from eating a rabbit only in degree, not in principal. they're both living. to the best of our current awareness, the carrot doesn't feel pain or emotional duress, so i operate out of that reality until we learn otherwise.

do i believe in treating other life with respect? yes. this may be the only thing that separates us from other animals. the possibility that, as individuals, we can "decide" to act purely on moral or ethical motives (even this is debatable). animals who treat each other with "respect" are most likely doing this for some self-serving function, however unclear to us. dogs transfer a pack mentality (survival instincts?) to us, dolphins rescue humans in danger perhaps due to their deep mammalian protective instincts - after all, humans are slow, weak, and awkward in the water. much like a baby dolphin might be (propagation of the species instinct?).

extremes are necessary and vital to moving our species forward as a whole. just like in politics. we need those opposites to find the most successful middle ground. some humans feel different aspects of our evolution more strongly and it will be expressed as their "passion." and they'll spend their lives fighting to move our collective consciousness slightly more in that direction. if it proves successful, they're heralded as geniuses, visionaries, great leaders. if not, they become convenient scapegoats, jokes, and cautionary tales. both are equally important.

life is change.

soy un viajero

last night my friend toree and i stayed up late - first, making soy milk and then okara cookies. we tweaked the recipe slightly, but basically followed it as written. fun and tasty is a winning combination in my book.

i leave wednesday afternoon. giddy-up.

hair of the dog

saturday was another beautiful one for hiking in the gorge. had fun climbing dog mountain with adam, jenny, ava, and desmond. we used the augsberger trail on the way up and came down the eastern "easy" trail. the flowers aren't in full bloom yet, but there were plenty of blossoms along the way, in addition to the usual stunning views.

easy money

had fun with the family yesterday. even made an easy five bucks with a couple wagers. anyone else pick el pato in sudden death? a big thanks to: tim "big wish", john "the bluff", todd "the ringer", and "no-odds" norma for contributing to my hiking fund.


also, brian, you still owe me a buck. indeed.



aiden provided entertainment between holes:

anyone else get dizzy if you watch this over and over?

show off

spring is definitely coming to the gorge. what a show off.

limits

i've been hiking more lately. three out of the last four days i've managed to get out on a real trail and let my body begin to feel it's way into preparedness. in the process, i've alternated between being excited for the whole crazy thing to start over again, and then wondering if i'm ready for another 5-6 months of walking.

i am. if for no other reason than to put my body and mind to constant use again - to find my limits. i think that's what i like the most about thru-hiking: tomorrow is taken care of. it's a foregone conclusion really. i will hike, drink, eat, feel the sun/rain/snow/wind and move forward towards a goal. a difficult goal that requires all i have to offer. and that's probably why i pushed myself on the AT. i don't often feel what i'm doing needs, or even can handle, all of what i can put into it. it was exhilarating in some way to know that no matter how hard i worked or stretched or struggled, this thing, this trail, was bigger than me and could take it.

no, it was more than that, it was realizing all my extra effort - those times when i pushed myself to what i thought was my physical limit - actually made a difference. i was able to directly affect the outcome, something i believe in theory but don't always get to experience as a tangible process. of course, even in those moments of extreme physical stress, when i thought i was close to my limit, i never actually reached it. i'm certain it exists, but i'm also becoming more certain that my physical limit will come sooner than my mental limit.

i got a glimpse of this some time ago during one of my first hikes. it was the summer of 2002, i think, and i was doing a training hike up dog mountain with a couple of friends. bursting with swagger and confidence, i was pressing hard up the side of the mountain (there are two routes in this well-known loop hike - encouragingly labeled "more difficult" and "most difficult" on the trail sign. i kid you not.) in the blazing sun. i had a pack full of heavy gear and three gallons of water - it was a training hike after all and i wanted the extra weight. turning to one of my friends, in full stride i began to expound on my theory of hiking: "see, i figure i'll just hike the same speed no matter if it's up, down, or flat, and the work will even itself out." such simple logic.

five minutes later i passed out on the trail.

notice i didn't say i got "light-headed", or "weak." i straight-up passed out. as in cartoon-style, flat-on-my-back, lights out. my body said "i don't know what the hell you think you're doing, but i'm shuttin' 'er down." fortunately i had three gallons of water behind me to break my fall. now, understandably, my hiking companions were a little disconcerted by this turn of events, but i quickly revived and sat down in a shady spot for a rest. they wanted to head back down to the car, but i "dog"gedly >insert groan here< insisted on completing the hike. upon gaining the summit, i smiled sheepishly at my friends and said "well at least now i know why they call it dog mountain - it can be a real bitch!"

looking west off dog mountain 4/5/09. i reached the top in much better shape this time.

shifting gears

as my PCT thru-hike approaches, i've been getting back into that mode of thinking. packing up the familiar gear, putting it in the familiar places, feeling the familiar thoughts come back to me. and it's a nice feeling; thru-hiking was a way of life i greatly enjoyed, and i'm happy i'll be experiencing it again. being around other hikers last weekend was a lot of fun and i look forward to meeting more people once i actually start hiking. unlike on the appalachian trail, i'm planning my start date to purposefully be around other hikers (at a party, no less!), not avoid them. since there are so many fewer people who attempt this one, i'm not as concerned with the big crowds and demands placed on resources along the trail.



got out and enjoyed the sunny day with mom, john, jeff, and brian as we hiked the cape horn trail. everyone seemed to have a good time, which was easy since it's a nice trail packed full of awesome views, varied terrain, a waterfall to walk under/through (depending on the time of year), and great exercise. i used it a lot in my preparations for last summer's trip and hope i get the chance to hike it a few more times before i leave in 19 days. especially since it's likely the last year this trail will exist in its current form. there is a board evaluating potential reroutes or seasonal closures for the trail before it will be officially recognized and incorporated into the columbia river gorge national scenic area (CRGNSA). i attended their public meeting with my friend john, and it's apparent they will be altering the trail's access and/or use in the near future.

walking with a loaded pack felt great, but it also reminded me that i haven't really been doing much of it lately. walking around town and riding a bicycle a little is all fine and dandy, but there's nothing that'll get you ready to hike up and down steep trails like hiking up and down steep trails. on the plus side, i have cautious optimism that the shoes i want to hike in will be up to the challenge. it's still too early to tell, but they felt comfortable all day and don't seem any worse for the wear. if they can do that for 400-500 miles a pop i'll be ecstatic.

good things.

more strawberries

i should have known better than to claim the diving has been less productive. tonight, brittian and i struck it rich - in bread, organic monterey jack cheese, org. tomatoes, org. bok choy, even more bread, an herbal garden pot, beer!, still more bread, some cheerful flowers, and org. strawberries. i think brittian even got a couple cool signs that may turn into his next art project. and don't worry mom, i washed everything very well - especially the produce!



the credit for the bread goes to brittian, who encouraged me to check out one more place before we went home, and who also spied the separate trash receptacle some distance from the regular dumpster. he said he followed his nose - and it's a good thing too. there were fourteen loaves of bread, soft, fresh, and almost all of different varieties, wrapped up neatly in individual plastic bags and then again in one big garbage bag. a perfect score.

now we just have to eat it all...

the 411

1. eating
have been trying to make ethiopian food. sometimes with good results, usually with room for improvement. marcella and brittian have been willing co-conspirators, and we're making headway. trying to make injera in particular has been giving us fits.

2. diving
i'm coming to the conclusion my initial dumpster diving experience was a-typical. in my last several forays i've netted less than a quarter of the food recovered that first time. on the plus side, i've gotten a lovely dendrobium orchid for my efforts. and strawberries.

3. hiking
this weekend is the Pacific Crest Trail Association's Trail Fest 2009. tonight and tomorrow my friend john and i are going to be checking out the classes, workshops, vendor displays, and over-all hiker community as i prepare for my thru-hike attempt this summer. i'm planning to leave sometime near the end of april and expect it to take me about five months to complete - much like my appalachian trail thru-hike last summer.

4. thinking
"The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
-Anne Morriss

saw this yesterday and liked it. fine, i'll get off my high horse and admit the quote was on a starbuck's cup. now i'm contemplating how it may apply to me...

5. searching
and while i'm on the subject. google has a free 411 information line. it's 1-800-GOOG-411. you can also text "google" (466453) with simple questions, business locations, weather, etc... at no charge other than your normal texting rate. this service has been around for a while, but it seems every time i mention it to someone, they're surprised to learn of it. the google machine is all-knowing and it frightens me sometimes - tap into its power at your own risk.

my buddies

in the past couple weeks, both of my nephews have said things which caused me to stop and appreciate the moment. aiden called up out of the blue while i was still in boston and told me "if i could fly anywhere right now, i'd fly to where you are." oh man.
and yesterday, i got to spend some great one-on-one time with isaac. while we were discussing my next hike (isaac thought i meant a park down the street, but i'm planning on something a little longer...) he turned to me and said "i wish i could go everywhere you go, kevin" and gave me a big hug.

i take a couple things away from those encounters: it feels great to know we've got such a strong bond, though it makes it all the more difficult every time i leave. and i love the spirit of adventure in their thoughts. the fact they are willing and eager to fly, hike, go puts a smile on my face. sure, they don't grasp the realities of those choices yet, but on some level, they understand those desires hold the potential for fun and excitement. and that's enough for now. wanderlust can be awesome.

jack and the bean stalk:

on being content

years ago, i made a conscious choice to question my beliefs at their core, and i found them wanting. what i was looking for - what i earnestly sought - was Truth, and after spending the first 23 years of my life looking for it in the same corner i finally realized it wasn't going to be there for me. the puzzling part about this was how many of the people i knew well, loved, and/or respected had discovered Truth in the very corner i found so empty. they weren't dumb (and still aren't), in fact their intellect often exceeded my own (and still does). they didn't appear to be settling for something they suspected as incomplete or false. but perhaps most striking to me, and in the end a key to recognizing the need for change in myself, was the ready confidence with which they discussed their reasons for their beliefs. i find this intoxicating, and deeply respect (envy is probably a better term) people of all beliefs, faiths, creeds, and what-have-yous, who have found their Truth.

the trouble with stripping away one's core belief structure is it can leave you spinning free into an abyss of endless possibility. no right or wrong, no up or down, and no real direction at all. you're faced with the realization that there may actually be no greater purpose to this life. on the other hand, this can also be a time of excitement, potential, and growth. for me especially, having grown up accustomed to the comfort of a ready-made sense of meaning (christianity), this new position of responsibility proved nearly overwhelming. slowly, and over the course of the next couple years, i arrived at two core concepts which thus far have held up. they are by no means conclusive, nor are they comprehensive; they have come hard-fought, and for me, have the ring of Truth to them. i'll take what i can get.

the first is choice. time and time again this principle has been brought home to me - that there is choice in all things. whether it is straightforward - i.e. "what am i going to eat for lunch?" or more internal - "how will i react to what this person has done beyond my control?" we are constantly presented with opportunities to make choices directly affecting our well-being. we have thoughts, we exist, we choose to be alive. being aware of these choices, and being proactive about making them, is empowering.

the second stems directly from the first. it's being content.
see, no one can be happy all the time. it's not possible. since happiness is an emotion, it is independent of direct choice, but what i can choose is contentment. i've been challenged on this, called out even. i've been told my actions don't bear out this philosophy since if i was truly content with everything, i wouldn't be seeking out activities and situations that bring me pleasure and yes, even happiness. but my point is this: i don't think it's wrong or a bad idea to be happy. who doesn't want to be happy? i simply think we should be aware that it's a fleeting experience, and it's within this awareness that contentment steps in.

we need to feel sadness, hurt, even suffering. it's part of the balance, the yin and yang. without one, its counterpoint becomes point-less. have you ever tried to bake something sweet without adding salt? it just turns out bland and unappetizing. but within the experience of sadness and/or loss, i can choose to be content. i can choose to recognize, accept, and even appreciate what this emotion has to offer and teach me, possibly whilst simultaneously looking forward to a time i will be happy again.

the reality is emotions are temporary; in and of themselves, they're unsubstantial. but working in concert, they help weave the fabric that makes up our very existence and they create meaning in our lives. even buddhist monks laugh. they feel happy. and judging by first-hand accounts i've read, they feel sadness and loss. i'm not an expert on the subject, but i suspect on some level they've merely recognized and embraced the impermanence of these conditions. an emotion isn't any more or less real than anything else. it simply is.

me too.

bombs away

it's true. i really enjoy drinking irish car bombs. and jameson. fortunately for me, so do my friends clint and marcella, so we had fun celebrating st. patrick's day last night! marcella made a very tasty vegan dinner which included colcannon (mashed potatoes and cabbage) and soda bread. for those of you who are wondering, car bombs (the drink) are not vegan. i'm not sure actual car bombs would be condoned by many vegans either, for that matter.

yum

my monday night at mom's:

food for thought

i was catching up on old daily shows and colbert reports and thought this mark bittman interview was worth sharing:

sorry, the clip was taken off their site.

also, while i'm talking about colbert, if you're interested in helping name a space station module after him, click here. it takes about 30 seconds.

where you hang your hat

i was at a party a few years back, and the girl i was there with introduced me to a friend of hers. after the initial formalities, she remembered some sort of irish connection and told him i'd lived in ireland. i was a little uncomfortable with this, but he got interested and asked me how long i'd lived there. i replied "three months" and he rolled his eyes dismissively, saying something to the effect of "that's not living somewhere. i've stayed lots of places for three months and would never say i lived there."

he was right, but so was i.

where i Live has been on my mind a lot recently. namely because where i Live has been changing a lot recently. it's apparent to me my concept and definition of what it takes to Live somewhere may not be the norm. for me, it's very much a mentality and not necessarily connected to time - other than time occasionally being required for the "living mentality" to set in. what i mean to say is there's no predetermined length of time i use to indicate where i've Lived. i feel comfortable saying i've Lived places for as little as two days, and conversely, i've stayed other places for weeks, even months at a time without the slightest feeling of Living there. i've also Lived with other people without being in a set location; we moved around together but with a sense of communal continuity. so, in a sense, the phrase "where i live" isn't entirely accurate either, since Living isn't really contingent on a location.

doing a rough tally i'd estimate i've Lived with over thirty people, in just over fifteen settings, as well as Living on my own in several more situations. on the other hand, i've only had two mailing addresses in my adult life. this is partly because i don't get much mail, and partly because i've had understanding and supportive people helping me (selfishly) keep things as simple as possible.

the mailing address issue brings up another point i've been pondering, and that's the difference between where someone "Lives" and where they consider "Home." for me, the concept of Home is very much wrapped up in my family and friends, and the support network i have in the pacific northwest. i was trying to explain this thought a few days ago and realized anytime i'm headed "back" to the northwest, i begin feeling like i'm going Home.

but it's not quite that simple. [sarcastic smile]

the last couple times i've come Home to the northwest, i've been surprised by the disparate emotions i experience. i think what it comes down to is a dissatisfaction with how i Live when i'm here. a big part of the comfort of Home is it's traditions and familiarity, but the old adage "you can never go home again" contains more shrewd wisdom in it than perhaps i've realized. the real problem, of course, is that i'm trying to reinsert a changed me into a static concept of Home. and then, once surrounded by the familiar places and faces, somehow expect to Live as the new person i became while away. occasionally it works and i catch a glimpse of the "something more" i'm aspiring to, and for a brief moment i'm excited and optimistic i can make it work - can have my cake and eat it too. but these moments are rare, or within such specific relationships and settings that i'm not sure it will be sufficient to create a life around.

of course, i know i'm not the first one to think these thoughts, and feel these feelings. and for now, i'm simply looking forward to seeing my family. specifically and especially (no offense anyone) my nieces and nephews. i miss those guys...

k'naan part II

tuesday night was my second k'naan concert in just over a week and i enjoyed myself even more because i went with my cousins who are big fans too. this seattle venue was bigger than boston's, and the crowd was great. one of the opening acts was gabriel teodros, half of abyssinian creole - i was almost as excited to hear him as i was for k'naan. as a bonus, khingz (the other half of ab creole) showed up and they performed three or four songs together. because of k'naan's somalian background and teodros' ethiopian roots there was strong east-african representation and awesome energy in the audience.

a fun night with good friends/family and hip-hop with a positive message.


los primos:


at the show (apparently i felt it was a night for pointing):


the k'naan himself:


abyssinian creole:


k'naan: