where you hang your hat

i was at a party a few years back, and the girl i was there with introduced me to a friend of hers. after the initial formalities, she remembered some sort of irish connection and told him i'd lived in ireland. i was a little uncomfortable with this, but he got interested and asked me how long i'd lived there. i replied "three months" and he rolled his eyes dismissively, saying something to the effect of "that's not living somewhere. i've stayed lots of places for three months and would never say i lived there."

he was right, but so was i.

where i Live has been on my mind a lot recently. namely because where i Live has been changing a lot recently. it's apparent to me my concept and definition of what it takes to Live somewhere may not be the norm. for me, it's very much a mentality and not necessarily connected to time - other than time occasionally being required for the "living mentality" to set in. what i mean to say is there's no predetermined length of time i use to indicate where i've Lived. i feel comfortable saying i've Lived places for as little as two days, and conversely, i've stayed other places for weeks, even months at a time without the slightest feeling of Living there. i've also Lived with other people without being in a set location; we moved around together but with a sense of communal continuity. so, in a sense, the phrase "where i live" isn't entirely accurate either, since Living isn't really contingent on a location.

doing a rough tally i'd estimate i've Lived with over thirty people, in just over fifteen settings, as well as Living on my own in several more situations. on the other hand, i've only had two mailing addresses in my adult life. this is partly because i don't get much mail, and partly because i've had understanding and supportive people helping me (selfishly) keep things as simple as possible.

the mailing address issue brings up another point i've been pondering, and that's the difference between where someone "Lives" and where they consider "Home." for me, the concept of Home is very much wrapped up in my family and friends, and the support network i have in the pacific northwest. i was trying to explain this thought a few days ago and realized anytime i'm headed "back" to the northwest, i begin feeling like i'm going Home.

but it's not quite that simple. [sarcastic smile]

the last couple times i've come Home to the northwest, i've been surprised by the disparate emotions i experience. i think what it comes down to is a dissatisfaction with how i Live when i'm here. a big part of the comfort of Home is it's traditions and familiarity, but the old adage "you can never go home again" contains more shrewd wisdom in it than perhaps i've realized. the real problem, of course, is that i'm trying to reinsert a changed me into a static concept of Home. and then, once surrounded by the familiar places and faces, somehow expect to Live as the new person i became while away. occasionally it works and i catch a glimpse of the "something more" i'm aspiring to, and for a brief moment i'm excited and optimistic i can make it work - can have my cake and eat it too. but these moments are rare, or within such specific relationships and settings that i'm not sure it will be sufficient to create a life around.

of course, i know i'm not the first one to think these thoughts, and feel these feelings. and for now, i'm simply looking forward to seeing my family. specifically and especially (no offense anyone) my nieces and nephews. i miss those guys...