Grandma's House

a life lived.

not to live.  not living.  lived.

flirtations passed, lovers dead, hopes and dreams and plans achieved or let go.

the immediacy of passion and opinions tempered by time;  experience revealing an hour's inadequacy, a day's inconsequence, a week's insignificance.  seeing a lifetime of insignificances add up to a sum total of your worth.

memories fading, leaving holes without explanation.

but age has failed to  mature the beauty of a foggy morning from you.  scarlet-streaked sunsets must still stir the romantic in you.

to what end?

the end.

man vs. nature?

man is nature.

finally. this guy says it better than i've ever been able to. we are not separate from "nature." powerful stuff.

for years now, i've struggled to express this sentiment. it's the reason i hesitate to fully commit to "save the environment" movements. no offense - and i really mean that - but i largely view those efforts as attempts to hold on to the past. life is not static. preservation has value, but in the end it's impossible without adaptation. when i spend time outdoors, i see life teeming all around me, and it fills me with wonder and curiosity. there is much to learn. but the reality is, my time in those areas still lightly-touched by humankind is not very different from time spent in a museum. it's a glimpse into the way things have been for the millions of years before human dominance's inevitable intrusion. if it pleases you, you'd better get out there and enjoy it while it lasts.

do i think it's cruel to eat other living creatures? no. i'm largely vegetarian, but i love a juicy steak as much as the next carnivore. i believe that eating a carrot is different from eating a rabbit only in degree, not in principal. they're both living. to the best of our current awareness, the carrot doesn't feel pain or emotional duress, so i operate out of that reality until we learn otherwise.

do i believe in treating other life with respect? yes. this may be the only thing that separates us from other animals. the possibility that, as individuals, we can "decide" to act purely on moral or ethical motives (even this is debatable). animals who treat each other with "respect" are most likely doing this for some self-serving function, however unclear to us. dogs transfer a pack mentality (survival instincts?) to us, dolphins rescue humans in danger perhaps due to their deep mammalian protective instincts - after all, humans are slow, weak, and awkward in the water. much like a baby dolphin might be (propagation of the species instinct?).

extremes are necessary and vital to moving our species forward as a whole. just like in politics. we need those opposites to find the most successful middle ground. some humans feel different aspects of our evolution more strongly and it will be expressed as their "passion." and they'll spend their lives fighting to move our collective consciousness slightly more in that direction. if it proves successful, they're heralded as geniuses, visionaries, great leaders. if not, they become convenient scapegoats, jokes, and cautionary tales. both are equally important.

life is change.

soy un viajero

last night my friend toree and i stayed up late - first, making soy milk and then okara cookies. we tweaked the recipe slightly, but basically followed it as written. fun and tasty is a winning combination in my book.

i leave wednesday afternoon. giddy-up.

hair of the dog

saturday was another beautiful one for hiking in the gorge. had fun climbing dog mountain with adam, jenny, ava, and desmond. we used the augsberger trail on the way up and came down the eastern "easy" trail. the flowers aren't in full bloom yet, but there were plenty of blossoms along the way, in addition to the usual stunning views.

easy money

had fun with the family yesterday. even made an easy five bucks with a couple wagers. anyone else pick el pato in sudden death? a big thanks to: tim "big wish", john "the bluff", todd "the ringer", and "no-odds" norma for contributing to my hiking fund.


also, brian, you still owe me a buck. indeed.



aiden provided entertainment between holes:

anyone else get dizzy if you watch this over and over?

show off

spring is definitely coming to the gorge. what a show off.

limits

i've been hiking more lately. three out of the last four days i've managed to get out on a real trail and let my body begin to feel it's way into preparedness. in the process, i've alternated between being excited for the whole crazy thing to start over again, and then wondering if i'm ready for another 5-6 months of walking.

i am. if for no other reason than to put my body and mind to constant use again - to find my limits. i think that's what i like the most about thru-hiking: tomorrow is taken care of. it's a foregone conclusion really. i will hike, drink, eat, feel the sun/rain/snow/wind and move forward towards a goal. a difficult goal that requires all i have to offer. and that's probably why i pushed myself on the AT. i don't often feel what i'm doing needs, or even can handle, all of what i can put into it. it was exhilarating in some way to know that no matter how hard i worked or stretched or struggled, this thing, this trail, was bigger than me and could take it.

no, it was more than that, it was realizing all my extra effort - those times when i pushed myself to what i thought was my physical limit - actually made a difference. i was able to directly affect the outcome, something i believe in theory but don't always get to experience as a tangible process. of course, even in those moments of extreme physical stress, when i thought i was close to my limit, i never actually reached it. i'm certain it exists, but i'm also becoming more certain that my physical limit will come sooner than my mental limit.

i got a glimpse of this some time ago during one of my first hikes. it was the summer of 2002, i think, and i was doing a training hike up dog mountain with a couple of friends. bursting with swagger and confidence, i was pressing hard up the side of the mountain (there are two routes in this well-known loop hike - encouragingly labeled "more difficult" and "most difficult" on the trail sign. i kid you not.) in the blazing sun. i had a pack full of heavy gear and three gallons of water - it was a training hike after all and i wanted the extra weight. turning to one of my friends, in full stride i began to expound on my theory of hiking: "see, i figure i'll just hike the same speed no matter if it's up, down, or flat, and the work will even itself out." such simple logic.

five minutes later i passed out on the trail.

notice i didn't say i got "light-headed", or "weak." i straight-up passed out. as in cartoon-style, flat-on-my-back, lights out. my body said "i don't know what the hell you think you're doing, but i'm shuttin' 'er down." fortunately i had three gallons of water behind me to break my fall. now, understandably, my hiking companions were a little disconcerted by this turn of events, but i quickly revived and sat down in a shady spot for a rest. they wanted to head back down to the car, but i "dog"gedly >insert groan here< insisted on completing the hike. upon gaining the summit, i smiled sheepishly at my friends and said "well at least now i know why they call it dog mountain - it can be a real bitch!"

looking west off dog mountain 4/5/09. i reached the top in much better shape this time.

shifting gears

as my PCT thru-hike approaches, i've been getting back into that mode of thinking. packing up the familiar gear, putting it in the familiar places, feeling the familiar thoughts come back to me. and it's a nice feeling; thru-hiking was a way of life i greatly enjoyed, and i'm happy i'll be experiencing it again. being around other hikers last weekend was a lot of fun and i look forward to meeting more people once i actually start hiking. unlike on the appalachian trail, i'm planning my start date to purposefully be around other hikers (at a party, no less!), not avoid them. since there are so many fewer people who attempt this one, i'm not as concerned with the big crowds and demands placed on resources along the trail.



got out and enjoyed the sunny day with mom, john, jeff, and brian as we hiked the cape horn trail. everyone seemed to have a good time, which was easy since it's a nice trail packed full of awesome views, varied terrain, a waterfall to walk under/through (depending on the time of year), and great exercise. i used it a lot in my preparations for last summer's trip and hope i get the chance to hike it a few more times before i leave in 19 days. especially since it's likely the last year this trail will exist in its current form. there is a board evaluating potential reroutes or seasonal closures for the trail before it will be officially recognized and incorporated into the columbia river gorge national scenic area (CRGNSA). i attended their public meeting with my friend john, and it's apparent they will be altering the trail's access and/or use in the near future.

walking with a loaded pack felt great, but it also reminded me that i haven't really been doing much of it lately. walking around town and riding a bicycle a little is all fine and dandy, but there's nothing that'll get you ready to hike up and down steep trails like hiking up and down steep trails. on the plus side, i have cautious optimism that the shoes i want to hike in will be up to the challenge. it's still too early to tell, but they felt comfortable all day and don't seem any worse for the wear. if they can do that for 400-500 miles a pop i'll be ecstatic.

good things.

more strawberries

i should have known better than to claim the diving has been less productive. tonight, brittian and i struck it rich - in bread, organic monterey jack cheese, org. tomatoes, org. bok choy, even more bread, an herbal garden pot, beer!, still more bread, some cheerful flowers, and org. strawberries. i think brittian even got a couple cool signs that may turn into his next art project. and don't worry mom, i washed everything very well - especially the produce!



the credit for the bread goes to brittian, who encouraged me to check out one more place before we went home, and who also spied the separate trash receptacle some distance from the regular dumpster. he said he followed his nose - and it's a good thing too. there were fourteen loaves of bread, soft, fresh, and almost all of different varieties, wrapped up neatly in individual plastic bags and then again in one big garbage bag. a perfect score.

now we just have to eat it all...

the 411

1. eating
have been trying to make ethiopian food. sometimes with good results, usually with room for improvement. marcella and brittian have been willing co-conspirators, and we're making headway. trying to make injera in particular has been giving us fits.

2. diving
i'm coming to the conclusion my initial dumpster diving experience was a-typical. in my last several forays i've netted less than a quarter of the food recovered that first time. on the plus side, i've gotten a lovely dendrobium orchid for my efforts. and strawberries.

3. hiking
this weekend is the Pacific Crest Trail Association's Trail Fest 2009. tonight and tomorrow my friend john and i are going to be checking out the classes, workshops, vendor displays, and over-all hiker community as i prepare for my thru-hike attempt this summer. i'm planning to leave sometime near the end of april and expect it to take me about five months to complete - much like my appalachian trail thru-hike last summer.

4. thinking
"The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
-Anne Morriss

saw this yesterday and liked it. fine, i'll get off my high horse and admit the quote was on a starbuck's cup. now i'm contemplating how it may apply to me...

5. searching
and while i'm on the subject. google has a free 411 information line. it's 1-800-GOOG-411. you can also text "google" (466453) with simple questions, business locations, weather, etc... at no charge other than your normal texting rate. this service has been around for a while, but it seems every time i mention it to someone, they're surprised to learn of it. the google machine is all-knowing and it frightens me sometimes - tap into its power at your own risk.